I pay HOW MUCH for TV?

OK. What the crap is up with Man vs. Wild on Discovery Channel?

Let me back up a bit...

Every so often Boone and I find ourselves facing a DVR that is totally caught up (unless we want to watch Backyardigans for the thirteenth time that day). Occasionally we anticipate this little snag in our nightly ritual and rent a movie or just read or stare at computers. But sometimes we decide to take a trip down memory lane -- back to the days before we had the DVR -- and just browse our billion channels to see what's on.

The answer, in case you were wondering, is NOTHING.

But that didn't stop us! First, I am embarrassed to admit that we watched some show on E! (never a good sign) that was like a highlights reel of worst TV dating show moments. We watched people get drunk and throw up on first dates. We watched people try on lingerie (yes, both people) on first dates. We watched some skanky girl "impress" her date by putting both her feet around her neck. On the first date. At the dinner table. In public.

Needless to say, it was an uplifting program and I feel smarter and more enriched having watched it tonight.

But things got really good when Boone switched to Man Vs. Wild. If you haven't seen it, this weird (but hot-ish) guy named Bear (OK really? Isn't that a bit much?) goes out into various wilderness settings and "survives". Boone is all outdoorsy and likes to watch stuff like this from time to time to keep up on his man skills. You know, in case he's ever in a plane crash in the arctic circle or falls off a cruise ship in the Indian Ocean.

So today cute little Bear was in the Okeefenokee swamp here in the good old south, surviving his heart out. I have seen his show a few other times, but I have always thought he just overdoes it a bit. He's like a survival hypochondriac -- everything is always REALLY BAD, but he always pulls though with some luck (read: cheating) in the end. And in the middle. Pretty much throughout the whole show.

Anyway, the overacting and staging is not my biggest complaint. I get that if he was all soothing and mellow nobody would watch (except yeah they would, because he's hot. Ish! Hot-ish!)

But he crossed the line from annoying hot guy to "don't come near me psychopath" tonight when he reached down and caught a water snake that was swimming around his ankles, held it up to the camera to identify the species, reassured us that is was not harmful (phew!), and proceeded to bite the snake's head off. He threw the head behind him and took a massive bite out what was left, and in between bites explained that we should probably squeeze the rotting fish out of the snake's body so we wouldn't get sick. I'll be sure to keep that in mind the next time I catch a snake with my bare hands and start eating it alive.

I sat through this scene with an expression of horror mixed with sick fascination plastered on my face, and turned to Boone who was grinning like crazy as he said, "Dude! This guy is all about shock value!"

Oh wait. Maybe that reaction was in regards to McCain picking Palin. (Come on, I HAD to say something...)

Anyway, it got better/worse. About 10 minutes later he was wandering through the swamp again flinging all kinds of factiods at us about the climate of the south, native species, etc., when he came upon a 6 foot alligator. At first he was all cautious, kind of whispering as he got closer about the now recovered gator population, and about how humans are encountering more gators recently since their numbers are back up. And he got a little closer, telling us about how powerful they are. Closer. And boy are they fast when they need to be. Closer. And man are they ever tasty.

Whaaaa? And I thought, no way. No way is he going there. Except oh yes he is.

He throws himself on top of this alligator, clamps its jaws shut, and uses his pocket knife to stab it in the neck and sever the thing's spinal cord. With blood everywhere, he hauls it up onto his shoulder and continues marching around the swamp, all the while giving us a rundown of the cholesterol levels of gator meat.

Now, I am not all PETA-ish, but this is just sick. The guy isn't really trying to stay alive. He is not alone and starving to death. He is on cable TV and he just devoured a live snake (which he opted to kill with his teeth instead of his knife) To slaughter this animal who was just minding his own business in the swamp -- just to prove you can -- is disgusting. Frankly, I am kind of surprised that Discovery is okay with stuff like that. All morals aside, it was freaking gross to watch.

And yet, I couldn't stop. Boone was asleep at this point (it was 9:36 after all) and I still left it on the channel! I looked up the show's page online and saw pictures of him eating all kinds of animal parts and drinking blood out of hearts and junk. Point being, it's not like this was some isolated incident. The whole show is based around Bear being a hunky, British, overacting, cheating faker of a survivalist know-it-all/psychopathic killer. What is wrong with us as a human race that we accept this as entertainment? How desperate are we? And what does it say about me that as yucked out as I was I left it there until the end?

I think I am going to claim shock on this one -- that I was too stunned to move -- although if that is really the case (it's not -- I was too lazy to bend over and pick the remote up off the floor), I'd better watch my back before Bear comes to rip my flesh from my bones while Boone sleeps through it.

The joke would be on Bear though. I have inhaled so many Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches today that the guy would probably fall over dead halfway out my door. I'm no low cholesterol gator...