"Mommy, we should only go poop in the potty."
Thus saith Keaton whilst using his hand to cover the evidence protruding from his backside. Apparently looking at pictures of Thomas engines on the computer is too good to tear yourself away, even for (seemingly) urgent reasons.
I never claimed to be tasteful -- only honest.
So that was today, but since I am already on the subject, let me quickly recap the most awesome 3 minutes of my day yesterday:
1:14 I get off the treadmill, dripping with sweat, and come out to check on Keaton. As I pass the hall bathroom, I notice a light on, and Thomas underwear on the floor next to the toilet. Uh-oh -- this is usually not good news. Oh Hurray! They are dry! He must have just forgotten to put them back on...let's go find him...
1:15 There he is..."Keaton, let's put your underwear back on, okay?" Keaton casts a nervous glance in my direction and doesn't move from his perch on the arm of the loveseat. I come closer to physically remove him from the couch, at which point he says to me, "Poop is too yucky."
1:15 1/2 OH. MY. FREAKING. NASTY. Dry heave. Gag. String of expletives running through my brain. Gag again.
1:15 3/4 Quick assessment of damage: poop on arm rest of loveseat; poop on fingers of right hand; poop on heel that he rested under his rear end; poop all over floor where said poopy heel contacted carpet over and over and over again; poop up and down opposite leg where boy "wiped" poopy heel on shin to clean it off.
1:16 Yell at Keaton not to move and frantically grab wipes. Start disgusting process of cleaning up Poop Fest 2008 while muttering under my breath and swearing in my head some more.
1:16 1/2 DOORBELL.
1:16 2/3 Me frantically yelling at now escaped 4 year old, "GET OVER HERE NOW!" Too late. Keaton is now standing totally naked from the waist down in the window to the side of the door, grinning wildly at the UPS man while pressing the family jewels into the glass.
Let's pause here to remember that I am soaked with sweat and have a handful of poopy baby wipes in my hand. Let's also point out that as I am home, running on my own treadmill, I am only wearing my sports bra (and also shorts, socks, and shoes, but no shirt). Did I mention the sports bra is white? And I am TOTALLY SOAKED?
Are we all on the same page now? Good.
So I can't exactly hide now because I have a nude 4 year old talking to the UPS man through the glass and unlocking the door at the same time. I have no choice but to go to the door and try to use it as a shield while I lean my head out enough to talk. Oh good! The guy has a 5 pound tub of protein powder in the box and it's too heavy and awkward for me to grab it using only my left hand and still manage to keep my nudist in the house! So into full view I go, apologizing profusely and avoiding eye contact.
Poor UPS man. Unless I am way hotter than his wife/girlfriend, in which case, Happy Birthday, pervert.
1:17 I shut the door totally humiliated and go back to the glorious task of cleaning fecal matter off a good portion of my front room.
You only WISH your life was this awesome...
13 comments:
Okay. I just caught my breath again from laughing until my chest was heaving for air. I really really REALLY wish I had this 3 minutes of your life on tape.
Was the protein powder that important? He would have either left it on the porch or come back the next day you know.
Yes- Happy Birthday Pervert.
It wasn't that I was so desperate to get the protein powder, I just wasn't so into leaving my naked son in the window displaying the goods to strange men. Weird, I know.
I can't breathe!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh that little stinker!!! I can just picture the whole thing in my head. I know you will look back at all these things and laugh (or cry) in a few years!! Kids kids kids.....I can't wait! :)
Oh my goodness, I was laughing so hard! You paint such a vivid picture! Oh boy...I guess it could be worse...you could have been getting out of the shower, and wearing nothing but a towel...I've been there. I wouldn't have answered the door, but my kids were faster than me. Kids! Kids! Kids! Life is never boring!
Thanks for the good laugh, you crack me up:) By the way, when are you guys all done living back east...there are some us that would prefer you living in the West!!
Rolling on the floor... laughing hard enough to propel the phlegm out of my lungs and into my mouth, making me choke on said phlegm...
Wish I could say I knew the feeling, but.....
Give me a few more kids and maybe I can join the club...
you just made my morning and thanks for making me laugh. We all are totally sick and I just finished cleaning up throw-up on the floor and couch. Good times in motherhood.
I have to say you really do have a knack for good story telling and description! I felt like I was there. You are so funny. Can I just say, "been there". Some kind of disaster almost always happens while I am running on the treadmill. Kudos to you for spinning and running yesterday!
All I can say is... nice one KEATON :) Just kidding! I'm waiting for the day ... as I usually RUN by the front door in the middle of running because Benjamin needs to go to the potty... dripping with sweat - and not always fully clothed! Oh the life of being a mom!
Holy Crap Keaton! No pun intended. Giggles. How funny I mean it's not so cool Nicloe, As everyone is laughing at your pain. Your right I wish my life was as awesome as yours.
I am still wiping tears from laughing so hard. Thanks for vividly painting a very normal mom experience! Groan!
Well, I've been trying to think of some witty comment in response to this post and all I can come up with is MAN OH MAN!!! Keaton is amazing - that is, amazingly good at creating an akward situation. I'm so sorry. There's nothing worse than getting caught with your pants down...or your shirt off...or, maybe in this case, both! I hope the next few days were, if not a whole lot better, at least a little calmer.
growing up with brothers, I'm used to most of the body fluid/functions that boys think are awesome, so not much Gavin does can freak me out. Just wait till your boys have the Booger flinging onto the ceiling to see if it sticks contest. That's why I'm avoiding having another kid, I'm worried it'll be another boy...
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