Uhhh...yes please! Seriously Jason, you don't have to point the gun at me -- I'll do anything you want, just ask. (Boone, tell him how subservient I am. TELL HIM NOW!)
Yes, he is fictional, but that is why it's safe for me to have the hots for him.
Ode to Jason Bourne:
Oh Jason, how I love your guts out. You are a total stud -- all fluent in a bazillion languages/customs, with passport and cash stuffed boxes stashed all over the world. And guns, even though I am a Democrat and think they should be illegal(ish).
How I swoon over your totally kick-A marshal arts skills, super evasion skills, and wicked awesome espionage skills.
How I wish you would tell me I look tired and like I need a vacation, because at least I would know you can see me (hopefully through a scope, because dang...you look good behind a gun)(but I oppose them in real life)(mostly).
How I wish I could be a passenger in a car chase with you at the wheel, because seriously, how do you get away? H.O.T. (even though I get motion sick just watching your movies, but still).
Amen (pretty sure that's how you end an "ode").
P.S. How I am sure you are also a good speller, because typos are a huge turn-off to me and that would just kill it.
Ummm..where was I? Oh yeah -- I guess this post was titled "Move Over Jason Bourne", so after all that, why would I want him to move over?
I'll tell you why. Because I am pretty sure he doesn't play the guitar. At all. And definitely not like John Mayer -- who is not at ALL attractive to me until his songs flow into my eustachian tubes (that was for Randy) and then...YOWSA!
I sort of try not to look at him, because his facial expressions kill it like Jason's (theoretical) typos do. Exhibit A:
And B:
I mean really. Is that necessary?
Anyway, if you just close your eyes (tightly) and sit on your couch on a Saturday night and watch Austin City Limits featuring John Mayer, I can pretty much guarantee that you will start rocking out like nobody is watching (because Boone fell asleep at 7:17, and then again at 9:25, and then for good at 10:32).
Ode to John Mayer:
Oh John, how I don't really think I can write an ode to you, because my words are the mold on the cheese of lyrical goodness that spill forth from your weirdly flexible lips.
But I dig your music, even if you are fugly sometimes, and if you ever sang to me personally I. would. die.
Amen.
P.S. Your music is hot enough that I might even let your typos go and still rock out to you in my living room on Saturday night.
25 comments:
HAHAHA!
Getting the Bourne Trilogy through Netflix: $20 a month. Downloading "Say" from iTues: $.99. Smokin' Bourne and Mayer odes in the same post: priceless. Amen.
P.S. I will cease commenting to your last post because I have a hair-cutting phobia and cannot be involved in any activity that could result in you shaving your head. Though I'm sure your bald head would be lovely.
Ah Nicole, I can't watch John Mayer sing, either. He is just nasty. Especially with the long hair. But oh how I love his sweet, sweet melodies. But I've never seen the Bourne series...does that make me a bad person?
Those pictures of John Mayer singing do not even justify the ugliness of his face when he sings. I watched him on TV and I was appalled at how ugly he can make himself.
I hate to tell you this in public (OK, secretly I'm reveling, but you know...) but it's E-U-S-T-A-C-H-I-A-N tubes, darling. I'm a spelling freak, too. Sorry, can't help it. It's just who I am. It's just what I do.
Have you read the Bourne books? I read them in high school (because my dad is a spy novel nut and I always raided his bookshelves). I love them. Love. Them. (And pretty much all the other Robert Ludlum books I've gotten my mitts on.) I was almost scared to go see the first movie because I wasn't sure if it would totally suck. It didn't. Matt Damon is an awesome Jason Bourne. They did the books justice, even if they didn't follow the plot lines in a totally religious manner.
As for John Mayer, I like a lot of his songs, but something about him personally just grates on me. Maybe I read too much about his love life in People Mag. He just seems to be fairly in love with himself. Some days I can get around it and groove, some days I can't.
Amen.
P.S. Is this the new trend du jour? Post as prayer?
Well now, that's what I get for only putting "e-u-s-t-a-" into Google before the "eustation" spelling came up. At 1:00 in the morning I was a little more relaxed than I should have been.
But hmmm....herein lies an important lesson for me -- I must never allow myself to be in the same room with Jason Bourne past midnight, because all my spelling standards go out the window.
And no, I have not read the Bourne books. Boone has (and LOVED them too), but he says they are nothing AT ALL like the movies so I don't want to read them. And I will cling to that ridiculous excuse until I decide not to anymore. It's how I roll.
Alyssa,
It doesn't make you a BAD person, per se, just an unfulfilled one. A quick trip to Blockbuster will change your life. You're welcome.
And Jana, I totally agree that it gets much, MUCH worse in the ugly department when Johnny boy lets loose, but this was as close as I could find.
I thought about embedding a video, but then I would have hypnotized my audience with his magic and the whole point would have been lost.
Except that I suppose that was my original inspiration for the post...oops. I should maybe consider turning my brain on before publishing things, eh?
Nah. Why start now?
S.E.X.Y.
(That's all I have to say about the latter John Mayer-I'm-too-drunk-to-realize-that-someone-is-photographing-me-and-I-forgot-to-wash-my-hair-this-month picture.)
I don't know what Boone is talking about. Yes, it's true that the movies don't follow the plot lines religiously (particularly the whole thing of starting movie 2 in India, yada yada), but they totally provide the whole non-stop-adrenaline-rush-mad-dash-around-the-world-uncovering-pieces-of-his-identity-while-killing-the-people-who-are-trying-to-kill-him thing that makes the books such edge-of-your-seat reading.
I think I just used up my entire year's supply of hyphens in that last sentence.
True that they are both action packed from start to finish, but the movies don't even mention Carlos one time, which is the very reason that Jason Bourne exists in the books. To flush out Carlos. So they are both about a spy and the main character has amnesia, but everything else is different.
I win!
Nicole, this is yet another sign that you are (pretty sure about this) actually a long-lost family member. Send your PAF over to Miz. Sherry and she'll check out your lines for you. I'm betting she'll find a cross-over somewhere.
Because...
I ALSO love Jason Bourne (not Matt Damon). I seriously watch his movies the way other women watch Pride & Prejudice (but I'm talking about the new, lesser, Keira Knightly version...real women watch A&E P&P the way other real women watch Jason Bourne. You know that made sense so stop shaking your head). I love everything about him. There are several '80's rock-ballads that would aptly describe my feelings for Jason Bourne. Depeche Mode's "Somebody" comes to mind. He could be my somebody (no worries, Chaser, you are my real-life somebody).
Wow. Word vomit.
p.s. You had me at "And guns, even though I am a Democrat and think they should be illegal(ish)."
Anna -- I totally got it.
And here's my confession that will be heard 'round the bloggosphere:
I have never read nor watched Pride and Prejudice. Or anything by Jane Austen.
(cricket, cricket) or ("GASP!!!")
I love to read. LOVE IT. But P & P has been on my nightstand for over a year with the bookmark stuck around page 100 or so. I just couldn't take another 3 page description of a sitting room I guess(?)
Really, I don't know what my deal is and I know I lose credibility with many MANY people (all my sisters for sure) when I admit this.
Maybe at this point I am avoiding it just to be non-conformist. I refused to read Harry Potter until 3 months before book 7 came out (and yes, I know HP and P&P are not on the same level -- so everyone can save THAT comment).
What can I say. I'm a literary loser.
Hold me, Jason! Sing to me, John! Make the hurting stop!
I've still never made it past book 1 of Harry Potter. And I finally read P&P sometime after graduating from college. So don't feel too badly.
Good heavens. Now I don't feel so lacking in the Twilight department, you HP hypocrites, you. But I've never actually read Jane Austen, either. Lots of Kurt Vonnegut, though. Thanks, Dad.
Watching John Mayer too much killed his music for me. I just keep picturing him sing. I'm thinking he should pull a Milli Vanilli and get someone to front for him.
And I am so glad you agree with me about Palin.
Ack! I just got an email...from MICHELLE OBAMA. She addressed it TO ME and signed it...MICHELLE (as in OBAMA!) And she thanked me for all that I'm doing. She must have heard about Blondes For Obama. We're rockin' the vote.
Deb,
I'll see your Michelle Obama email and raise you a TEXT from Barack himself!
He was all, "U wanna know who my VP is?" And I was like, "U know I do BO", and he was all, "K - it's Joe Biden".
Bonus points for it being like 2:37 am, because he just can't sleep without knowing I approve of his decisions. Sigh. It's going to be a long 8 years. But a good 8 years:)
Boone,
Clearly, having had Mom Brain for the last five years has damaged me. How could I have forgotten all about Carlos? I hang my head in shame. You win. Now I need to go order some Ludlum from Amazon so I can refresh my memory.
Nicole-
You possibly have no idea who I am--we're fairly new in the ward. My husband teaches Sunday school with your husband.
Anyway, I found my way here through the Pyne's blog, and you make me laugh every day. I'm glad others have poop stories. :) Mine involve blueberries, and how they come out whole so 11 month olds think they're edible again...
So, about John Meyer. I went to high school with him in Connecticut. He's a buttmunch. Biggest. Jerk. Ever.
And imagine having to see those facial contortions 5 days a week, close up, in choir.
He also has (or had back in 1992, anyway) really foul breath. He played saxophone in band and sat right behind me (I played flute) and it was like sitting down wind from a port-a-potty in the parking lot of a paper mill. I know he's a talented musician (mainly because he insisted on telling everyone how talented he was all the time) but I can't listen to his music. It triggers the PTSD I have from just knowing him.
~Brandi (Douglass) (The fat one with bad hair loud kids)
It's cruel that we can't edit typos and misspellings...
As I told you earlier, I had never heard of this guy until reading your post. Yes, I'm that ignorant. Odds are I am familiar with some of his stuff, but don't know that it's him singing. All I ever hear is chord progressions and rhythm when I listen to the radio, so I never can recite lyrics, and I never know who's singing. When I hear music in my head, it's nearly all wordless. I'm going to have to listen to some of his stuff so I can form an opinion - if one had to judge by looks alone.....
Brandi,
Of course I know who you are! I have actually blog stalked you and you are hilarious. Plus, you have kids in Primary and when that's the case, nobody new goes unnoticed (by me, anyway).
Um, so I am going to pretend that you didn't tell me all those lovely details about Johnny boy. Trust me when I say I understand choir/drama/band geeks who actually TELL everyone how great they are (I was in drama with a guy who left Junior year to go to California, and then the little puke started popping up in commercials, and then an MTV movie, and then had the nerve to be in Mission Impossible 3. I rolled my eyes every time he was on screen. Not the same as John Mayer, but I sort of get it. This was really too long to be parenthetical).
My point: that would kill his music for me too.
But.
Since I didn't have to smell his breath or deal with his ego/buttmunchery and will most likely never interact with him, I am going to plug my ears and say, "LaLaLaLaLa -- I can't hear you!" and continue to just ignore the personal details of his life and enjoy his music in my living room (and car, and iPod, etc.)
Emma,
You are so weird.
"All I ever hear is chord progressions and rhythm when I listen to the radio, so I never can recite lyrics, and I never know who's singing. When I hear music in my head, it's nearly all wordless."
We are musical opposites, in that I cannot read music, know the lyrics verbatim to every song I have heard more than twice, and the words in my head never stop.
Wait, maybe I'M the weird one.
Miss you:)
OK, I thought about this all the way through my spin class this morning and decided that even if I had known of and been subjected to John Mayer's breath in high school, it probably wouldn't have mattered.
I had less than great taste as a teenager and being a good person was easily trumped by someone's musical abilities.
I dated (and by "dated" I mean made out with) this guy in high school who was as short as me (a challenge if you are over age 9), had serious skin issues, and was a total jerk.
But just like people have "beer goggles" that make people look better than they are after you've had a few, I had/have "guitar goggles". Also "piano goggles" and "vocal goggles". And this guy was a triple threat. I never stood a chance.
Blech. I am so glad I grew up and got a clue. I am also glad that Boone doesn't play the guitar, or I might have been conned into learning to cook.
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