Updates, Corrections, and Clarifications Galore

Keaton's UPS Poop Story

Apparently there has been some confusion on the magnitude of the mess Keaton made in this story. He didn't actually poop all over the living room -- he went in the toilet and just never...um..."cleaned up" before sitting on the couch. It could have been much worse. It has been before.


Washing "Bane of my Existence" Machine

Still running. Still balanced with the same wad of paper towels Boone stuck under the leg on March 19, 2008. Freakin' Kenmore. IHateYouIHateYouIHateYou.


Dear Diet Coke...


I never meant to hurt you. We had some good times together, but I didn't know what was missing in our relationship until recently. I liked you the way you were in the old days. I liked you liked you when you debuted in Cherry flavor, and I was head over heels for you when you came in Vanilla Coke Zero -- in fact, I literally shook with excitement!

I wasn't looking for anything new, but I stumbled upon something that turned my world upside-down.

I never knew I could feel this way about someone else, but Crystal Light Energy makes me SO HAPPY! Sototallyhappyandabletoleaptallbuildingsandrunfasterthanever! I thought I could make it work with both of you, but I found myself resentful when it was your turn. I only wanted to see you when it was too late in the day (after 12:00) for my new squeeze. And that's not fair to you.

The truth is, you make my teeth darker, and you make me kind of belchy, and my husband is a dentist and knows the evils of carbonation. And then, you just disappeared. I looked for you for two weeks, but you are nowhere to be found. Maybe you read the writing on the wall, I don't know. Regardless, it was the last straw (pun intended). It's over. You were good to me, but once you go pink, well, you know.

Bissell Steam Mop

Yep, I still love it. Just like when I got my Dyson, the subsequent cleanings haven't been as jaw droppingly awesome as the first one, but that's just because the thing totally kicks-A. I know that I am personally responsible for the purchase of at least 2 more Bissell's, and I gotta tell ya, I think I know what it feels like to be a man now, spreading my Steam Mop seed throughout the land. Or something. OK, that may be a really gross analogy, but it stays. Deal with it.

(And Deb -- my neighbor bought one after my glowing review the first time around. She has a lot of hardwood and LOVES it. The only less than stellar comment I have heard {thanks for tainting the story, Emma} is that if you have REALLY deep grooves/grout lines, the fibers in the cleaning pad aren't long enough to get into them. I haven't had that problem at all, but you know, full disclosure is my middle name.)

Just the Facts, Ma'am

Ok, this is a totally non-partisan message, really and truly. It will probably never happen again so savor the deliciousness. There's an awful lot of mud slinging going on at this point in the campaign, and I think most of us -- regardless of political affiliation -- can agree that both sides are using some half-truths and distortions in their ads. Especially the 527's.

For the sake of our country (and just because truth is kind of a good thing to have), I beg everyone to check out the sound bites and false claims you are hearing about on FactCheck.org
before you believe that Obama supports infanticide or McCain claims to have invented the Blackberry. It is a non-partisan organization that researches and debunks false claims on both sides.

And finally...

Be Still My Heart (and my butt. Seriously. Quit jiggling)


There are no words...

Confession Part II

So I have a bit of a potty mouth. It's a bad habit for which I have no good excuse -- except for these:

1. Sometimes it's just flat out funny to swear. If you do it all the time it loses it's appeal, but who doesn't die laughing when a little kid drops a bomb? (I'm talking 8 and younger here -- not pre-teens or full blown teens.) When used sparingly you'll score every time. This is factual.

2. Sometimes "Dang it all to heck!" just doesn't do it for me. No catharsis whatsoever. It's like eating low fat ice cream -- what's the point?

3. Sometimes I am dramatic (no really, I am) and I just throw a little something extra in for shock value and added punch. I suppose this is slightly hypocritical considering what I recently wrote about Bear Grylls. But still.

I find myself swearing the most in two situations (let's see how many numbered lists I can pull off in one post, in honor of all my UMC gals;):

(This list will be in reverse order, because I'm cool like that)

2. When my mom or Boone's parents come to visit.

Let me clarify that they are not in any way doing anything that makes me want to swear. I think I just know I can't let anything fly in front of them, so the rebel in me makes up for it by going to Food Lion and cussing my way through the produce section. I am not exaggerating when I say I have just strung expletives together for absolutely no reason while in the grocery store. Boone may have joined me. (And we laughed our heads off)


1. When I am asleep -- specifically in my dreams.

I don't know what the deal is on this one. It's really what prompted the whole post. In real life, I don't drop the big ones, just the little cute swears.

But when I am asleep, so help me I say anything and everything in the book. Strung together. Loudly. It's like I have nocturnal Tourette's or something. I swear so much in my dreams that I feel guilty about it when I wake up. And it's not like in these dreams I am having normal conversations with a random *&%$#@* filled line here and there. I am tearing someone a new you-know-what. I reach some level of all out rage in my dreams that I never experience in real life (excepting when the DVR cuts the last 8 seconds off of The Office).

Anyone else have this problem? And I'm talking rage/cursing enough to make a sailor blush in your sleep.

I don't want to know about the other things you do in your dreams that make you feel guilty, you pervs.

P.S. Apparently I like the word pervert a lot. Who knew?

Why I am dead meat when Rylan hits puberty

Rylan: (watching kids volunteering at an animal shelter by feeding a kitten out of a bottle)

"Mom, is that a real kitten?"

Me: (peering from behind the computer to check the screen)

"Yep."

Rylan: (eyebrows scrunching, lip starting to quiver, tears welling up)

Me: (What the...?)

Rylan: "That's so cute (gulp) I think I'm going to cry!" (immediate sobbing commences, Rylan runs towards me and throws herself into my arms)

(Sob, sob, sob -- now wiping nose on my shoulder -- gasping for breath like she's been kicked in the stomach)

Me: (Are you freaking kidding me? She can't be serious. Maybe she thinks the kitten is dying? Please tell me she thinks it's dying. Maybe they said the mother got run over by a car and she's all broken up over the thought of me ground into the pavement. OK, let's clarify here...)

"Rylan, calm down. Why are you so upset? Mommy's not going to d---"

Rylan: (Through stifled sobs) "Sometimes there are two reasons to cry: one is if you are sad, and the other is if you are happy -- (really taking it up a notch now) --and that little kitten is so cute I just can't help it!" (again burying her head in my shoulder).

Yeah. And then over 2 hours later she burst into tears again looking at one of our cats because it "reminded her of that precious little kitten".

Heaven help me. And her future husband.



P.S. Quit laughing, Mom. I was NEVER that bad.

Vindication!

Ok, you know how I posted earlier about what a "normal" grocery budget should look like? Well, the internet gods have answered my prayers (I have MASSIVE faith in this department) and MSN Money blessed me with an article addressing this very thing!

Here is a small excerpt from the article -- right after the author described her challenge to feed a family of 4 on $100 a week:

"First, let's say that any reduction in my grocery bill was welcome, as most weeks we spend nearly $250 at a grocery store. That's well above the $182 budget the U.S. government considers "moderate" for a family of our size and ages."

Hooray for $182 a week! We have one whole extra person, and these totals do not include cleaning supplies, toiletries (lip gloss;), diapers/Pull Ups, etc. Just food! Factor in the extra human, 2 cats, and the arsenal of cleaners we go through here, and I'd have to say that I am not being excessive at $200-$250 a week. Although I will admit that it makes me shudder to think what my bill will look like when I have 3 teenagers (2 of them boys).

Attention Nicole of the future: Dang girl! You look hot! Oh, you're running 45 miles a week now? Wow, you don't look a day over 29! What are you, a size 2? What's that? You've finally figured out how to do your hair so you don't look like a slob/toddler? And you've started your own business and make more than Boone does? And your children are the most well behaved, smartest kids in the state? (Where was I going with this? Oh yeah...)

Ahem! Nicole of 2008 is hereby predicting that you spend upwards of $400 a week on household food/supplies by the year 2018. If 2008 Nicole is right (and I like my odds), 2018 Boone must buy 2018 Nicole a new car. Totally fair and purposeful.

Not that anyone cares, but...

If I have to hear John McCain's biography* one more time I am going to slit my own throat.


SAY SOMETHING ELSE. WHAT IS YOUR PLAN FOR FIXING AMERICA?


*leaving out the part, of course, where he cheated on his first wife when she was disfigured and no longer pretty enough and ran off with Cindy. Oopsie!




P.S. This is my blog and I can say what I want.

I can't stand Palin.

I have forced myself to sit through all the GOP speeches (so nobody can accuse me of only listening to those I agree with), and hers was nasty, smug, condescending, and written by someone else before she was even selected. I didn't like Hillary Clinton either, but listening to Palin made my ears bleed.

For someone who claims to be a Washington outsider, she sure has got lying through her teeth down to a tee.

(I don't know how to turn comments off on one post or I would. I am not asking for anyone to agree with me because I know most of you who read my blog disagree. I don't want to fight with anyone about this, so if you think I am wrong or wicked or whatever, don't post a comment about it. I have left my differing opinions off of your posts in the interest of preserving relationships, and I hope you will do the same. Unless you agree with me, in which case POST AWAY!!!)

I pay HOW MUCH for TV?

OK. What the crap is up with Man vs. Wild on Discovery Channel?

Let me back up a bit...

Every so often Boone and I find ourselves facing a DVR that is totally caught up (unless we want to watch Backyardigans for the thirteenth time that day). Occasionally we anticipate this little snag in our nightly ritual and rent a movie or just read or stare at computers. But sometimes we decide to take a trip down memory lane -- back to the days before we had the DVR -- and just browse our billion channels to see what's on.

The answer, in case you were wondering, is NOTHING.

But that didn't stop us! First, I am embarrassed to admit that we watched some show on E! (never a good sign) that was like a highlights reel of worst TV dating show moments. We watched people get drunk and throw up on first dates. We watched people try on lingerie (yes, both people) on first dates. We watched some skanky girl "impress" her date by putting both her feet around her neck. On the first date. At the dinner table. In public.

Needless to say, it was an uplifting program and I feel smarter and more enriched having watched it tonight.

But things got really good when Boone switched to Man Vs. Wild. If you haven't seen it, this weird (but hot-ish) guy named Bear (OK really? Isn't that a bit much?) goes out into various wilderness settings and "survives". Boone is all outdoorsy and likes to watch stuff like this from time to time to keep up on his man skills. You know, in case he's ever in a plane crash in the arctic circle or falls off a cruise ship in the Indian Ocean.

So today cute little Bear was in the Okeefenokee swamp here in the good old south, surviving his heart out. I have seen his show a few other times, but I have always thought he just overdoes it a bit. He's like a survival hypochondriac -- everything is always REALLY BAD, but he always pulls though with some luck (read: cheating) in the end. And in the middle. Pretty much throughout the whole show.

Anyway, the overacting and staging is not my biggest complaint. I get that if he was all soothing and mellow nobody would watch (except yeah they would, because he's hot. Ish! Hot-ish!)

But he crossed the line from annoying hot guy to "don't come near me psychopath" tonight when he reached down and caught a water snake that was swimming around his ankles, held it up to the camera to identify the species, reassured us that is was not harmful (phew!), and proceeded to bite the snake's head off. He threw the head behind him and took a massive bite out what was left, and in between bites explained that we should probably squeeze the rotting fish out of the snake's body so we wouldn't get sick. I'll be sure to keep that in mind the next time I catch a snake with my bare hands and start eating it alive.

I sat through this scene with an expression of horror mixed with sick fascination plastered on my face, and turned to Boone who was grinning like crazy as he said, "Dude! This guy is all about shock value!"

Oh wait. Maybe that reaction was in regards to McCain picking Palin. (Come on, I HAD to say something...)

Anyway, it got better/worse. About 10 minutes later he was wandering through the swamp again flinging all kinds of factiods at us about the climate of the south, native species, etc., when he came upon a 6 foot alligator. At first he was all cautious, kind of whispering as he got closer about the now recovered gator population, and about how humans are encountering more gators recently since their numbers are back up. And he got a little closer, telling us about how powerful they are. Closer. And boy are they fast when they need to be. Closer. And man are they ever tasty.

Whaaaa? And I thought, no way. No way is he going there. Except oh yes he is.

He throws himself on top of this alligator, clamps its jaws shut, and uses his pocket knife to stab it in the neck and sever the thing's spinal cord. With blood everywhere, he hauls it up onto his shoulder and continues marching around the swamp, all the while giving us a rundown of the cholesterol levels of gator meat.

Now, I am not all PETA-ish, but this is just sick. The guy isn't really trying to stay alive. He is not alone and starving to death. He is on cable TV and he just devoured a live snake (which he opted to kill with his teeth instead of his knife) To slaughter this animal who was just minding his own business in the swamp -- just to prove you can -- is disgusting. Frankly, I am kind of surprised that Discovery is okay with stuff like that. All morals aside, it was freaking gross to watch.

And yet, I couldn't stop. Boone was asleep at this point (it was 9:36 after all) and I still left it on the channel! I looked up the show's page online and saw pictures of him eating all kinds of animal parts and drinking blood out of hearts and junk. Point being, it's not like this was some isolated incident. The whole show is based around Bear being a hunky, British, overacting, cheating faker of a survivalist know-it-all/psychopathic killer. What is wrong with us as a human race that we accept this as entertainment? How desperate are we? And what does it say about me that as yucked out as I was I left it there until the end?

I think I am going to claim shock on this one -- that I was too stunned to move -- although if that is really the case (it's not -- I was too lazy to bend over and pick the remote up off the floor), I'd better watch my back before Bear comes to rip my flesh from my bones while Boone sleeps through it.

The joke would be on Bear though. I have inhaled so many Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches today that the guy would probably fall over dead halfway out my door. I'm no low cholesterol gator...

I love him. I don't understand how anyone could not love him. And I will never shut up about shaking his hand in December in South Carolina. Ever. Till I die. My last words will be, "Did you know I shook Barack Obama's hand before he was president?"

Because I really did.