McYummy, or "Why I'm glad I broke my leg"

Okay. My apologies to the few of you who heard this story at dinner tonight (we missed you there, Emma!). Feel free to move on to something else if you don't want the same story again.

So I get to the orthopedic clinic yesterday and after just a few minutes I got called back by a nurse. She pulled me into the treatment area (the cast room, actually, which really confused me at first), which had 4 different "rooms" divided up by curtains on each side but open to the common area in the front. Each room had only an exam chair in it, and the doctors were just sort of rolling from one area to the other on stools. Really, it was kind of bizarre.

Anyway, the nurse asks what my deal is and I give her the whole rundown, asking at the end, "Am I getting a cast or something?" She sort of laughed and assured me that although they did cast bones in that room, that they also performed exams and other treatments, and that a doctor would be over shortly.

So I'm sitting there for a few minutes, watching a couple of docs going back and forth between the patients to my left and right, and, you know, thinking kind thoughts about people and how I can become a more charitable person (typical behavior for me), when he appeared to my left.

McYummy.

Oh. My. Gosh.

***Let me pause here to say I am totally happy in my marriage, that I have not had any lustful thoughts of any kind about McYummersface, and that this whole thing is totally innocent.***

Seriously, this guy was so good looking that I immediately looked away because I groaned audibly and started giggling. Giggling! What am I, 9 years old? I kept smirking and laughing at how juvenile I was behaving, which of course made me laugh even harder, until I was turning my head as far to the right as I could manage to avoid making eye contact.

I started thinking, "Oh PLEASE don't let him be my doctor. I will literally pass out if that guy grabs my leg, or I'll pee my pants trying to flex hard enough to impress him with my calf muscles. Why can't I stop grinning? If he comes over here, he's going to ask what I am laughing about. And what am I going to say, 'Ummm...you are just insanely good looking and I can't stop giggling about it'? Yep, I probably will say that. What are my other options? Trying to look cool and act casual? That is CLEARLY not going to work out. I guess I'll just fess up and tell him how hot he is."

And then I started thinking, "Wait. Maybe I really DON'T want him to be my doctor. People who are that good looking get a lot of favors and sometimes skate by with their faces instead of their brains. What if he's a total moron and tells me to ice my fracture and take Motrin? Hmmm...I'll bet he's a lousy doctor..."

So you can imagine my relief when MY doctor rolled up with a gaping space between his front teeth (which, incidentally, were yellow) and what appeared to be a toupee springing forth from his scrub top. Phew! An ugly-ish doctor -- he's probably super smart, 'cause dang -- nobody did him any favors based on appearances.

Apparently my old high school acting days are still with me, because I have found I like to write out my conversations is script form. Ahem:

Dr. Yikes: "So, what's going on?"

Me: "Uh, I have a tibial stress fracture, but my PCM -- Dr. Idiot -- told me to ice it for 6 days, so I figured she was a moron and begged to see you guys"

Dr: "Hmm. Okay, tell me about your running."

Me: "Blah, blah, blah, running, blah, blah, blah" (but thinking, "Wow, I am glad I have that chest hair to focus on instead of McYummy over there, because I don't want this dude thinking I am digging his blatant display of manliness because I am all flushed and smiley")

Dr: "Okay" (grabs my leg, runs hands down each side of my tibia) "Does this hurt at all?"

Me: "Nope" (Yep. I would have passed out if the other doc was doing that. At least I shaved my legs, but I really need a pedicure. I could cut him with my heel skin. What is up with my pinky toe? Why don't I have a nail there? And why does my middle toenail slant to the side like that? I'm glad this dude is my doctor, so the hot guy isn't grossed out by my weird feet. Guys with teeth like that have no place criticizing my feet.)

Dr: "Let me go check your scan -- I'll be right back"

Me: "Okay" (back to thinking charitable thoughts...)

5 minutes later...

Dr: "Alright Miss Terry, you do indeed have a fracture there."

Me: "I know. I saw the scan on Thursday. So now what? And don't tell me to ice it"

Dr: "Hahaha!

Me: (Dude, that wasn't even funny. Hot doctor wouldn't have laughed at that. Ugh, quit laughing -- I can see more of your teeth when you laugh. I wonder if Boone is your dentist? I need to have him make bleaching trays for you. Or not, because then I would trust you less as a doctor...)

Dr: "Okay, let's talk about nutrition -- how is your diet?"

Me: "Really, it's pretty good (minus the occasional sleeve of Thin Mints). I take a multivitamin and a calcium supplement daily, and I eat a lot of fish and nuts and veggies and whole grains."

Hot doctor would have called me out on this one. He would have said, "Um, you are a runner, and you say your diet is really pretty good, but I can see your looonnnggg fanny, so you must be lying. How many Thin Mints have you eaten this week?"

Busted.

But Hot Doctor was not the one asking questions, was he? If he had been, the next Q and A would have gone like this:

McYummy: "Do you have any abnormalities with your menstrual cycle?"

Me: "Me? Oh, I don't menstruate. Once a month lilies and rainbows emerge from my nether regions while harp music plays, but that's about it!"

Sigh. I really honestly had that conversation in my head while my real doctor was asking me about my medical history. Which of course causes me to wonder how mental I must be to pull answers like that out of thin air.

Anyway, Hot Doctor wandered away sometime during my exam which was good, because it meant I heard and comprehended my instructions. I go back in about 10 days for my first follow up, but until then I can't run, can't walk any more than necessary (to the Gap tonight was necessary enough), can't elliptical, and have to stay seated on the spin bike. It's brutal, but I plan on being a good girl, nice and compliant (as I am by nature) so I can return ASAP to hard core running and general awesomeness.

If I see Hot Doctor at my next appointment, I am seriously considering sneaking a cell phone picture so I can post him. Everyone deserves a good girly giggle now and then.